FEAR OF FEAR OF FEAR

It was the summer of salt-stained smiles

from sea swims and skinny-dipping, toes

clutching sand clutching shore clutching 

me clutching you. It was the summer 

and we were happy.

It is the summer of salt-stained smiles from sea swims and skinny-dipping in the Mediterranean ocean, penetrating sticky thumbs into oranges and forgiveness. It is the summer of 2024, and I have made it a goal to just say yes to things. So, when my partner asked me if I wanted to book flights to Spain in less than two days' time, I (hesitantly) said yes. 

As it happens with every pre-planned event (and the not-planned ones, too), my stomach instantly turned and what I was feeling was not excitement, but dread. I have been wanting to travel all of my life, I would spend hours on google maps exploring the streets of all the places I sought seeing. What I should have been feeling was not at all what I was feeling, and thus began the spiral. What if it doesn’t go right? What if I get sick? What if I have a panic attack? What if I’m anxious? I can’t do this. I’m not normal. I spent every second leading up to my departure what-if-ing and assuming the very worst. I wasn’t afriad of flying or being kidnapped or scammed or deserted in an unknown place. No, these were the things my brain could rationally accept. But the thing I was most afraid of was fear itself. I found myself panicking about panicking, driving myself into panic attacks over the idea of me having a panic attack, and so on. It’s a sadistic cycle that never allows you a moment to feel excited or happy because you become so wrapped up in what can happen next. And the worst part is, it is never actually that bad! 

The minute I left my house I entered into a fifteen-hour-long panic attack, running on no sleep and seriously convulsing. I was sitting on the side of the street with my partner at this restaurant, and I just couldn’t get myself to snap out of it. My mind knew I was safe and I told myself I was safe, over and over and over, but the body doesn’t always obey. I was so worried about the fact I was so worried that I just kept myself in a state of fight or flight, and no matter what I did, be it soak my face in cold water, or tapping, or playing naughts and crosses with my partner, it just wouldn’t stop. And here is where I learned the stubborness and ruthlessness of anxiety. 

The next morning, you could say my worst fear came true, and all I wanted to do was stay by the hotel and not go through what happened the day before. I was getting frustrated at myself. Why couldn’t I just enjoy being here? I’d look out on the balcony and wonder how everyone else seems to be doing it, living their lives feeling safe in their body. But then something changed. I started looking at all the people as though they, too, were feeling this way. I imagined the woman in the red bikini spent the morning meditating her way through fear. And the lifeguard, sitting there, probably worrying about something or another. The more I thought about the fact that everyone has their own fears, their own personal challenges, the more I understood that life cannot only be good in the absence of fear and grief, but in the presence of it also. I was feeling this way, yes, but I could also do the things I want to do and feel joy. It wasn’t the anxiety confining me, but my own idea of what I could or could not manage, and if it was that simple, then I could prove I could manage it. After all, exposure is the best way to combat fear. 

This shift instilled a carelessness in me for the rest of the holiday. From that moment on, I stopped allowing myself to give in and choose the comfortable option. I started saying yes, and thank god I did, because I had the best fucking time. I spent each day bathing in the divinity of the sun, soaking in the sea and dancing to ABBA. I went cliff-diving and skinny-dipping and laughed and sang, and I felt scared, yes, but I also felt immense happiness. The two can coexist, if you choose to let them. 

I have learned that if you want to break the cycle, stop fearing fear, then you have to put yourself in a situation where you are afraid. Do it, anyway, then see how it isn’t half as terrible as you assume. The fear will lessen, but what persists is joy.